daydreaming with the universe

There’s a recurring scene that plays out in my head when things in life feel like they’re shifting too fast or not fast enough. I’m 9 or 10 years old and I’m floating in the ocean on the west coast of Oahu, gripping a teal foam boogie board underneath a clear sky. My head is turned over my right shoulder, watching and waiting for the perfect wave to take me to the shore. Waves come and go and my little body bobs on the surface of the ocean knowing that it’s okay to let them pass. A few minutes later I start to feel a slight pull beneath my feet, and like breathing, I instinctively grip my board tight and my legs begin to kick. 

For a few moments I’m locked in with the wave. I've done this a million times already today, but something shifts and all of a sudden I’m flipping around the water like I’m inside of a washing machine. The leash of my board yanks me in one direction while the current drags me in another. 

The lessons I learned in school from my Hawaiian teacher are front and center: the ocean demands your reverence. He warns to never turn your back on it because doing so would signal a notion that you're more powerful than the gods that rule the sea. I know that I can’t fight the waves. I let my body go limp and trust that the ocean will deliver me to shore if I stop trying to get there on my own. As soon as the chaos begins, it’s over. My body is still, the water is calm. 

I know that I’m safe, but I feel compelled to stay kneeling and submerged under the shallow surface of the water for just a few more seconds to collect myself. My hand wipes the salty water from my eyes and I splash back into the ocean. 

There are a lot of things in my life right now that feel particularly challenging. My relationship with my parents, the fact that I'm not pregnant yet, the way that I feel stuck in New York and that, if not for the last two years, I would have relocated after a really fulfilling chunk of time here. It’s deflating to feel like the visions and plans I had of how these areas of my life would develop are getting more blurry. The mental gymnastics and coping mechanism I’ve clung to to keep my spirit afloat has been to remind myself that the way that I envision things unfolding, the ideas and solutions that I’ve constructed in my mind, are just one perspective. There are a thousand other ways to see things. This mindset doesn’t feel like enough, or maybe even true, but it feels like...something.

Twenty plus years later, I still feel like I'm getting tossed in the ocean. Some days I’m kicking my legs really fast, trying to stay on top of a wave. Other days, I let the current take me to shore. Some days it feels like I’m doing both. Be it true or not, I have to believe that there's something bigger than myself sending nudges and winks and direction for the way forward. I just have to. My acupuncturist said to me the other day that she just believes in god. Not a religious one. Not a demanding one. Just one that helps us move through the world.

I told her I liked that. That it sounds like daydreaming with the universe. 

Get this week’s playlist here.

Until next Sunday,

Meghan