it's not easy, but it's simple
A few days ago I got some really good feedback on work that I’m doing for my freelance gig. I immediately texted my husband Bill like a child coming home from school with an A+: “They’re loving my work so far, I feel so validated!!!!”
The impact that this feedback had on me was outsided. Like, someone told me they liked what I was doing, simply because I was delivering on the assignment in a way that I knew was smart, and YET, I didn’t feel good about it until I was told so by someone with power and authority.
Bill asked me why I need validation and my first response was, “Because my parents paid me for getting good grades.” and my second was, “Because in most of the spaces I show up in, I’m usually the only or one of the only non-white people and I feel the need to combat someone’s preconceived notions of me.”
Since that moment, I haven’t stopped thinking about validation. Factors of systemic racism and inequality aside (mostly because I don’t have the current brainspace to go that deep), my need for validation feels like a silent ugly character trait. I don’t think that anyone who knows me causally or more intimately would ever think that I’m a person who gets off on overt validation. Externally, I tend to project an ironclad confidence. But internally, I’m a fiend for validation. TELL ME YOU LIKE ME AND THAT I AM GOOD AND VALUABLE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Like I said, an ugly character trait.
Whenever I’m reminded of this facet of my being, I try to remember something a therapist told me once when I came to her feeling all the feelings of imposter syndrome in a job that I knew I was doing well at: “You can just validate yourself. You don’t have to wait for anyone to do it for you.”
We live in a world that’s full of messages that ask us to seek validation: likes and comments on social media, what people think about us when they find out where we live, what we do, where we bought our couch (I have felt shame about my Ikea couch), etc. I hate how much work it is to actively not care about any of that shit.
Because here’s the thing - with work or otherwise:
I want to do a good job.
I want to have nice things.
I want my apartment to feel like a cozy oasis.
And I don’t want any of those things at the influence of an ambiguous they.
But like my therapist said, I can validate myself.
This week I’m trying to remember that it’s really that simple. Not easy, but it’s simple.
Get this week’s playlist here.
See you next week, friends.
Meghan