magic on sunday: existential crisis in transit
some days when my mind wanders, usually on the subway, i start to spiral into absurdity. a sort of existential crisis that one only can experience when going underground through the earth in a metal tube. sort of, “wow, this is kind of crazy, right?” feeling.
the same thing happens on airplanes. like, geez, we're in a man made bird in the sky. once i was flying to california and had a dream that my plane crashed the night before. i called my mom and told her, to which she replied, "we'll all have comfort in knowing you went fast" and i was like, "basically." it was about as comforting as when my family would fly together in my younger years. my mom would pray that angels would protect our plane, which now is about as comforting as the sheer thought that we're miles above the earth in a metal bird in the sky
there's a jenny zhang quote that i’ve probably read 10 times this week. it's not exact, but it's similar to this feeling. it goes like this:
“i was fully cognizant and participating in my own creation and suddenly it was clear to me why we don’t remember what it was like to be born — because it would give us too much insight into what it will be like to die. to be present for your own birth was suicide. to know the true wonder of suddenly existing was to know the true fear of suddenly ceasing to exist. they had to occur together and there was no prayer for what i knew in my flaky soul - that there was no way to escape fear. it would always be here, amplifying joy and stealing from it.”
this place of overwhelming illogical and absurd reality is often one where i feel most safe. there’s comfort in knowing that the only thing i can control in the world is how i live and how i love in a place that's so out of my own control.
this is either comforting or terrifying. i hope it’s the former.
magic on sunday: 09.17.17
alonetime - kalbells
carnival - kevin devine
mother - big thief
aa - juan de fuca
get upset - soy christmas
soft shock - yeah yeah yeahs
the youth - mgmt
until sunday,
meghan