magic on sunday: let me pick up 225 lbs
since the middle of may i’ve been working out with a trainer. i told him that i’ve done personal training before, but always found it a little anticlimactic. some dude stands there while you do lunges and burpees and it's just kind of like, “ok...”
what i was looking for, what i needed, i told him, was a challenge. something different. he suggested weightlifting, i agreed, and we got to it twice a week. after four sessions he told me i was progressing faster than a lot of his male clients normally do, which, if there's an opportunity to do something better than a guy, i'll take it.
i rolled into the gym at 6:30am this tuesday and joey the trainer declared, “we’re going for 225 lbs on squats and deadlifts today.” um, but we haven’t cracked 200lbs yet, i told him with a bit of nervous apprehension. “you’re ready.” he told me.
the squats went off without a hitch, but when we got to the deadlift, every time i went to lift the bar, it was as if it was cemented to the floor. a man at the bench press behind us kept a watchful eye as i visibly struggled.
my mind wanted to tell joey that we weren’t going to make 225 lbs today, that it felt too impossible, that i wasn’t there yet. instead, he told me to take a sip of water and take a seat for a minute. i got up, went to the bar, and couldn’t make it move. frustrated, i rolled my eyes and let out an “uggggggh” and looked at joey with a face that said, “can we just call it?”
“look, you’re going to just pick it up. believe it. get to the bar and just pick it up.” i kind of just laughed out loud and replied with a bit of a mocking tone, “ok, i’m going to pick it up!” and it’s crazy, but the next moment, i was actually picking up the bar. i was also doing that grunt thing people do, which i’m still self-conscious about. but i picked it up, i put it down, and did my best to hold back tears of joy/relief. joey gave me a high five, the man at the bench press gave me a nodding smile.
the only reason i could do this is because joey made me believe it would happen. he didn’t let my inner nay-sayer stand in my own way. and as i thought about this notion a bit more throughout the week, it made me realize how important it is to see myself the way others see me every once in awhile. i’m stubborn, strong willed, and don’t usually let other’s opinions sway me when when i’ve already made up my mind about something, but i’m coming around to the idea that i don’t always know.
when i had to make a tough decision this week, one i knew was a good one for me despite it being tough, i kept saying to my myself over and over, “the people that love me and know me the best know that this is the right decision.” i’d agonized about this for a bit, and my best girlfriends stuck by my side as i waffled back and forth. knowing that they knew this was the best thing for me made it easier to see it that way, too.
magic on sunday: 07.30.17
can of worms - gold celeste
ghosts in the walls - tommy allen
rats - sloan peterson
go to hell - empress of
moksha - choker
boredom - tyler, the creator
until sunday,
meghan