my dream mom friend

Two months before I became a mom, I joined my neighborhood parents’ WhatsApp chat. Like walking through the wardrobe in Narnia, I entered a world that had always existed around me without ever knowing about it. There I encountered hundreds of parents ready to pass on old toys and clothes, recommend a toddler-friendly restaurant that still makes you feel cool, and answer panicked questions from soon-to-be parents like myself.

My first question in the group was something like, I DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE ENOUGH NEWBORN-SIZED CLOTHES AND I’M PANICKING!!! I had ‘she’s such a first-time mom’ written all over me. The moms in my chat shared their experience with newborn clothes, some saying their kid never fit into them, and others saying that their kid lived in them for 6 weeks. But the one thing they all assured me of was that if I needed more newborn clothes, the group would make sure I got them.

I knew that becoming a mother would open me up to a whole new group of people to build friendships with, and honestly, I was deeply looking forward to it. I’ve been in New York for nearly 15 years — which is at least five lifetimes — and some of my oldest and closest friends have left the city. Many of my local friends don’t have kids and I’ve mourned the loosening of our connections. It’s not like there’s less love between us, it’s just that we’re in a chapter where our lives don’t allow for a lot of natural overlap (hi! I miss and love you guys).

Luckily, this new chapter has opened me up to a world of new friends, ones who are similarly seeking relationships with people who understand the nuances of life with a small child. I met one of my closest mom friends on the app Peanut, which is essentially a dating app for moms. We connected at a Bed-Stuy coffee shop when we were both pregnant and it had all the electric energy of a really good first date. After we both arrived home, we texted each other that we giddily told our husbands, “She’s really cool!!” I met another through the WhatsApp group and whenever we end our hangs she always says, “love you!” which makes me, a wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeve kind of girl, feel seen. Others I’ve met through my apartment complex, where we regularly cross the courtyard for post-nap hangs or to swap hand-me-downs. Kind of like a group of kids starting school together at the same time, I’m eager to see these friendships deepen as our kids grow up together. And while I don’t have a full-on “mom crew”, I feel grateful for the individual relationships that I’m building.

Not every potential mom friend is created equal. As my friend Nina has written, just because we both have kids of a similar age doesn’t guarantee a real connection. The moms I tend to gravitate toward are kind of like this:

• DMs you memes that make you feel seen

• can spontaneously hang more often than not

• would not be weirded out if I was like, “wanna go to yoga together?”

• understands the importance of the nap schedule but isn’t too precious about it

• is always happy to commiserate about a terrible sleep night

• checks in when they know that things are tough

• wants to hear all about your birth story

• doesn’t give unsolicited advice unless they know you want it

• won’t bat an eye at your messy house

• respectfully talks shit about our loving husbands

• always has a good babysitter to recommend

• will share the holy grail recipe that’s enjoyed by parents and a picky toddler

• parents differently than you but doesn’t judge your parenting approach

• loves my kid like their own

• has an identity beyond just being a mom

• gets what you mean when you say you need a break from your life

• will traipse across the city for something fun even though it’s a mission

• facetimes with our little ones to kill time between post-nap and bedtime

• does not expect a timely text back

• has snacks in her bag and always enough to share with my kid

• understands the moments of postpartum complexity like no one else does

• reminds you that you’re doing a great job

Most importantly, I guess my favorite type of mom friends are the ones who keep it real. The ones who don’t superficially make it look effortless. And that’s the mom friend I hope to be.

Here’s a playlist to get your week started. Send it to your favorite (mom) friend. <3

Meghan