my most radical act

I keep saying that I’m going to Hawaii in May and hopefully Europe in July or August. It seems bold to be so confident when our fate feels like it’s controlled by a car with a blindfolded drunk driver whose pedal is to the metal. Some days you choose to scream and brace for impact, other days you just turn your head and gaze out the window. On the days I talk about Hawaii, I’m looking out the window.

I know I’m not unique in feeling this way. We’re all just trying to cope as we pretend to put the puzzle pieces of our life together on a surface that keeps on shifting. We meet up with friends and sit together in parks, apartment outdoor spaces, and restaurant tables in the bike lane. Our conversations are all the same: a variation of our take on how we think things will shake out when we get to the other side of this.

Months ago, before all this, I had grand plans and big projects coming to ahead. I was excited, I was prepared, I was ready to thrust my energy in their direction. It was a welcome distraction in the early days of quarantine, but when the death of George Floyd came, I was wholly undone. My project was too close to the topic, my personal relationship with race and identity is shaky at best, and understanding how I could exist in the world where I’d have to continually examine that for a personal project that was supposed to be enjoyable and fulfilling, now felt too much to handle. The world is burning and I was setting myself up for nothing but 100 degree days.

In social situations or conversations with friends lately, I secretly brace for it. The “hey how’s that thing going?” question. There’s no clean answer, and it’s painful to try to even understand it myself. “I’m alright, trying to just lay low and keep my energy neutral. Feeling pulled in a lot of directions, and just letting things settle where they do.” I muttered recently.

So, here I am, not particularly back to square one, but reimagining the implications of everything these days when it comes to my own time, energy, and well-being. I’m giving myself permission to change course, for the sake of myself and in a world so fragile, it’s my most radical act.

magic on sunday: my most radical act

Eye Catcher - 18YOMAN

Snake Oil - Nap Eyes

Still Sun - Obongjayar

Nerve - Anna Wise

Moments / Tides - Goth Babe

Central Park Blues - Ultimate Painting

€ € € €^^%%!!!!!heaven!!!!!! - Lala Lala, baths

Feel Like Doing Nothing - Kate Bollinger

Willy’s Headache - Cymande

Paperbacks - Arlo Parks