songs for staying cozy inside
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For most of my adult life here in the city, I’ve actively tried to spend as little time as possible inside of my apartment. So much so, that a big reason I started writing this newsletter five years ago was to create some accountability for myself to be home at a reasonable time every Sunday. I’d always find myself returning to my apartment sometime after 9pm after a weekend of running around between dates, concerts, dinners, museums, and random wanderings, only to crash exhaustedly into bed. Then, I’d wake up the next day and scramble out - to the gym, to work, to a coffee date with a friend, anywhere, but just...out.
If you’re a person who gets your energy from other people, there’s a big draw to being “out in the world.” For me, it’s always been less of an “I’ll sleep when I die!'' mentality, and more of a “There’s so much to take in and I want it all!” approach. Last year when it dawned on me that I’d be stuck in my home for longer than two weeks, I was paralyzed. Being forced to be inside made me feel claustrophobic and detached, and was in direct opposition to the magnetic pull of the energy outside of my home.
In the dwelling sense, I don't have memories of an idyllic childhood home. Homes to me were rental houses in German neighborhoods, indistinguishable military base housing, and cookie cutter suburban homes that served as investment properties. They were all nice, safe, and comfortable, but none of those residences ever afforded me the ability to curate and shape a space that felt uniquely me, considering that the maximum I’d live there would be three years. There lacked a complete sense of personal connection to most of those spaces, so I sought that connection in other people and in experiences.
On Friday night I was at a concert and when it finished, Bill and I were debating if we should just go home and continue our evening from the comfort of our couch or to grab another drink somewhere. Because it’s New York and we’ve both been here for a relatively long time, we unsurprisingly ended up running into a friend of Bill’s who was bartending nearby and offered to take care of us if we wanted another drink or two. Cozying up at the bar, we talked about that pull to be out and how strong it can especially feel when you’re younger. We recounted the late nights of our 20’s and how staying out until into the early morning was oftentimes motivated by the desire to not just be around others, but to feel a connection to others.
If not for forced time inside, I don’t know if I’d be able to say this, but I’ve started to love being at home. “Home” as a long standing physical place still feels like a nebulous concept to me - I don’t know if I’ll ever have solid roots anywhere - but somehow I’ve cultivated a space that feels like the epicenter of my energy. The walls in my space are adorned with pieces that remind me of some of my favorite connections - a fiber piece from my dear friend Grazina, a tambourine that I bought from a pawnshop in San Francisco on a fun weekend trip, framed posters from concerts that have transported me to other worlds, and photobooth strips taken with friends at some of my favorite bars, to name a few things.
And let me make this abundantly clear, I’m not saying that I live inside of an episode of HGTV or something worthy of an Apartment Therapy feature. I’d almost go so far to say that my home isn’t aspirational or insanely Instagram worthy (though, I do think it has its moments). What I’m saying is that I’ve learned to love being inside of my home in the same way I used to love being outside of it, and that really feels like the best of both worlds.
Get this week’s playlist, full of cozy vibes for staying inside, here.
See you next sunday,
Meghan
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