unexpected inquiries

and learning lessons already

This week I learned that the gallbladder is basically a useless organ until it makes its presence known. I’m sure you’ve never thought about yours - I didn’t until I was in pain for four days straight. At first I was like, “I don’t know, maybe this is gas??? Is my holiday eating of carbs, sugar, and basically zero vegetables finally catching up with me???” I convinced myself that that had to be it and I just sort of managed through the pain, celebrating NYE and settling back into post-holiday life.

By the time Tuesday night rolled around, I finally called my doctor to ask for some ideas on how to manage the pain. I wasn’t hopeful that they’d give me new information, but the persistent pulsing of pain in my upper abdomen and back that made it difficult to sleep convinced me that it was worth a try to listen to a doctor other than Dr. Google. They asked me how long I’d been in pain and what my pain level was, to which I casually responded while kneeling on the floor of my bedroom and resting my upper body on my bed, “Um, basically a 10 out of 10 pain level. I can’t really get comfortable or…function.”

Calmly, the doctor recommended that I go straight to the ER and I skeptically asked, “Do you think that will really help? I went to the ER with this kind of pain about a month and a half ago and they gave me tylenol after 6 hours of waiting around and sent me home.” The doctor told me that they couldn’t make me go to the ER, but it was their recommendation given how long I’d been in pain. I thanked them for their time and help and told them I was going to rest and forgo the ER for now.

I agonized in bed for about an hour after that call, changing positions every few minutes, moving a heating pad to from one pain point to the other, and had Bill rub my back for tiny moments of relief. The doctor’s words kept replaying in my mind: “You’re saying you’re having pain that’s 10 out of 10…that is pretty serious.” Why was I so resistant to my own pain? What was compelling me to downplay it? Why was I choosing to stay in my own misery?

“I think we need to go to the ER!” I called out to Bill, finally caving after trying a hot shower and two tylenol to relieve the pain. We Ubered to the ER and I contorted my body in various non-sitting positions in the waiting room until a nurse rolled up a wheelchair to take me to a bed tucked away in the corner of a very crowded emergency room. I got hooked up to an IV drip, heart monitor, had my vitals taken, blood drawn, and was given mini-heat packs to numb the pain radiating from my torso.

After about 45 minutes, I was taken to get an ultrasound to look at my organs. The tech was friendly, but couldn’t tell me what she was seeing (“The doctor will explain everything” she told me when I inquired about what she was looking at). She spent probably 15 minutes honing in on the area under my right rib cage and around my back, going back and forth between the two areas, taking photos and making notes on the machine. My internal dialogue went straight to dramatics: I’m full of tumors. She’s probably never seen anything like this. How will I get a new job with cancer? I’m going to be one of those people with a GoFundMe because the American healthcare system is shit. How did this just sneak up on me?

About thirty minutes after the ultrasound was done, the doctor came to my bed in the corner to deliver the news, “Please prepare to spend the next three days in the hospital. We’ll be transporting you to a larger hospital with a surgical unit - you’re going to get your gallbladder removed - it is packed full of stones and the levels we’re seeing in your blood are pretty dangerous.”

I think I kind of laughed and was like, “Oh, um, can I go home and get some stuff?” realizing that the thing I thought was gas was actually a failing organ and was so shocked that I was going to try and sleep this off. “Oh, no. You won’t be leaving our care until this is taken care of, it’s not safe for you to be out of the hospital. You’ll be getting in an ambulance in a few minutes.”

The rest of the story is pretty uneventful. My gallbladder came out. It was a quick procedure (of course I watched an animated video of what it looked like) and the hospital staff were amazing - I’ve never felt more taken care of in a medical environment and I was genuinely shocked at the level of care I received.

What is consequential though, and that I can’t stop thinking about, is how dismissive I was to my own needs and the signals that my body was sending me. I was brushing off pain that was having a major impact on my well-being and general health, thinking it would just magically go away if I endured the pain with strength and resilience. My thoughts keep circling back to how blatantly I brushed off real messages of dangerous pain.

I can’t tie this up with a pretty bow or a neat ending, but I can tell you that this first week of the new year has already showed me a part of myself that requires more grace, care, and introspection. I’ll be noodling on this for the rest of 2023.

Get this week’s playlist here.

I’ll be in Miami next week if I’m feeling well enough to hop on a plane (send any recs!), so I’ll see you in your inboxes in two weeks.

Cheers, friends.

Meghan

PS- I have loved writing this newsletter on and off since 2016. It’s been a fun space to experiment with what I have to say, share music I’m vibing to, to connect with others, and to honestly just have fun and create something in a low-pressure way without the perceived validation of likes and comments. If you’ve been thinking about writing a newsletter, I’d love to read it. Learn a little bit more and sign up to start yours here. If you do, please send me your subscription link, I want to be one of your first subscribers. <3