oh, this is contentment

a birthday reflection

My birthday came and went this week without a ton of fanfare, which is generally how I like it these days.

Bill got me a book and a promise to buy me a bracelet of my choosing from Susan Alexandra.

He brought home two slices of cake, lit candles, and led Zora in singing Happy Birthday to me while we were snuggled up on the couch.

We spent the weekend ahead of my birthday at my twin sister’s house, and she and I had a “moms night out” with fancy cocktails and lots of time to catch up.

With some dear friends, we dined at Gage & Tollner, a place I’ve had my eye on for the past few years. The food was good? Fine? It wasn’t terrible but it was not worth the $800 price tag. BUT, the experience of being in a bit of a vibey restaurant where the murmur of other diners kept the energy of the space bright and engaging, was the birthday dinner energy that I was hoping for.

Someone asked me how I felt about my birthday and generally getting older, and as I thought about how to respond, I kept coming back to this one word:

Content.

Of course everything is not perfect. There are things that I’d like to tweak and to be different in a lot of aspects in my life, but when I step back and look at where my life is at right now, I feel so much peace¹.

Thinking about it more, I think that this might be the first time that I’ve felt this type of contentment, maybe ever?

Being 21 months postpartum definitely plays a role in it. I have a lot more mental space and clarity than I’ve ever had in this parenting chapter. Our family life has a rhythm that feels so much more stable than the early months of parenthood where everything changes constantly. Importantly, this somewhat predictable rhythm and mental clarity² have given me space to really center my needs and take care of myself in a way that I haven’t been able to do in a long time.

But there’s also the notion that for the first time in my life, I’m not striving for some sort of achievement or working towards a big end goal.

I’m not in high school spending a lot of my energy attempting to be a well-rounded student so I can get into a good college.

College has come and gone and I’m no longer stressed out about what I’m going to do with my life.

My 20’s are over and I’m done figuring out ~who I am~ in toxic and stressful ways.

I crossed getting married off my list at 34, and meeting Bill allowed me to stop spending absurd amounts of energy dating stupid boys, hoping to find someone to love and be loved by.

Careerwise, I’ve learned the delicate balance of how to care about your work while not allowing it to consume your life. I was only able to achieve this by transitioning into a role that took me out of the leadership positions that I’d spent the first 12 years of my career climbing towards. I would make this decision again in a heartbeat.

No longer am I going through the process of trying to get pregnant, doing IVF, being pregnant, or newly postpartum. I am blessed to say I came out on the other end of all of this with a child that I love so incredibly deeply.

I guess you could say my striving era is over—which gives me a lot more time, space, and energy to just be.

Or to think about what I’d like my next era to be about.

How lucky am I to essentially have everything I’ve ever worked towards?

To sit back and realize where I’ve been and where I am is the best birthday present that the universe could send my way.

I’m hoping and wishing for this type of contentment for you all someday too, friends.

Get this week’s playlist here.

Meghan

1. Of course I mean this in my personal life. The political hellscape that our country is in makes me feel the exact opposite of content.

2. Writing and reflecting on this, I was like, yeah, the mental clarity has been so good. And then I remembered that I’ve been on a low dose of Wellbutrin (the drug that “takes the edge off of things”) since November, so that’s probably a big factor too🙃. Yay for mood meds.